Is this a rant or a review? With games like G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra, it can often be hard to tell the difference. Okay, so it's a pretty late review, but you don't expect us to spend our hard-earned money on a game like this, do you?

Blame PR reps and snail mail. Go, USPS!

Either way, have a look if you like. Might be amusing to read an account of another person's suffering.

Ah, G.I. Joe, a real American hero. At least, that's what I remember about the franchise. While I've yet the see the recent G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra movie -- heard mixed feedback -- the accompanying video game fell into my hands some time after its release. Reviewing games this late always puts a damper on your motivation, since the deadline becomes a vague "ASAP." Yet in this case, I thought that my review might actually be helpful to many potential buyers out there make the proper decision: take a pass on this one.

Normally, I don't talk about a game's story until the end of a review; I'm weird about structure that way. As with most movie-game adaptations, there's no point to even address story because everyone knows that it's been violated, butchered, gutted, set on fire, until a brittle shell remains, filled with shallow characters, mediocre gameplay, bad voice acting, and other typical movie-game tropes.

Sure, we get pleasantly surprised now and then, as with Raven Software's X-Men Origins: Wolverine game, but I insist that is an anomoly. Double Helix's G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra, on the other hand, takes us backward, away from progress.

...

Normally, gameplay is the core of any game for me. Controls are a big part of that; a game can fail in every aspect, yet I would still give it a chance in favor of decent gameplay and design. Unfortunately, G.I. JOE is not one of those games.

The controls felt really awkward, and I'm no stranger to console shooters. While many games have you use both analog sticks to manipulate movement and camera to aim, G.I. JOE eliminates a lot of that freedom. You can't even change the camera angle! It remains fixed, and I can't even tell how this shit works or what the game wants to focus on. The damn thing just won't rotate with you! You'll find your character running toward you half the time, with no flippin' clue what's in front of him / her -- because the camera just won't move, no matter where the character is facing. Luckily, your dimwitted A.I. partner will usually shoot at any enemies in the area, so if he / she starts firing off-screen, you know something's there. Unless he doesn't feel like helping; you may find yourself pinned behind some cover with three turrets pelting you with energy bolts while your comrade stands out in the open, staring into space.

The fixed camera becomes especially problematic whenever you're trying to bring down a turret or tower (anything taller than you) because the camera basically gets shoved up your ass. Your JOE actually disappears below the screen.

RabidChinaGirl via neoseeker.com »